Panic

In the middle of last night I awoke with a panic, a physical start to something unknown. I got up and checked on you and then verified that all of the doors were locked. Everything was fine and I got back in bed and tried to sleep. I was exhausted and on the verge of sleep, but I kept feeling a strong feeling of anxiety in my chest. I cannot adequately describe it, but it was a physical pain that took my breath away. I tried deep breathing, I tried thinking through what my fear was, I tried thinking of anything else, but I could not get the feeling to go away and I could not fall asleep. Giving in to it, I decided to get up.

Your dad came and found me awhile later, in tears and reading things on the computer. He asked me what was wrong and although I’m still not entirely certain about exactly what caused me so much distress, I conveyed to him that perhaps my mind and my body were reacting to a statistic I had just recently read – that the incidences of SIDS deaths increase after a baby has a cold. I am petrified of loosing you. When I think of anything happening to you, I literally feel pain and become teary-eyed. The love I feel for you, though not unexpected, is crushingly strong.

Someday you’ll fall in love. The head-over-heels, can’t focus on anything, butterflies in your tummy kind of love of teenagers. You’ll feel like that person is the center of your world, and your mind will be constantly preoccupied with that person, even at the times when your body is not physically with them. The first time I felt this way was with your dad, and until this point, these have been some of the most powerful feelings of love that I’ve experienced. Until you. Before you were even a little presence in my belly, from the time when you were an idea in our mind, something we wanted to try for, we loved you. It became more of a tangible love when you became real, a tiny creature inside of me. And throughout those months, as you grew and I grew, so did our connection to you. I am not sure if there is any other connection in life such as this, one that exists before you even know a person and grows into something so strong and powerful, a dependence so necessary.

I need you. I need you to brighten my day, motivate and challenge me. I need you to make our little family complete. We love you so much, and are thankful for you every day. And we’ll do every thing in our power to keep you happy, healthy and safe.

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