I have to apologize for something I did. A couple of days ago in the afternoon you were clearly exhausted and needed to nap, but you just would not nap. You’ve been doing this a lot lately, fighting sleep when you are visibly tired. We’re not sure if you’re trying to transition to one nap a day, if you’re teething or not feeling well, if you’re going through something developmentally that is making it hard for you to sleep. We just know that oftentimes it’s hard to get you to sleep. Sometimes you’ll fall asleep in my arms, but the instant I put you in your crib you wake up screaming. This happened today, multiple times. After I’d spent over an hour with you, feeding, rocking, putting you in the crib, picking you back up, starting the process over, on the third attempt of laying you, asleep, in your crib and you waking back up, I decided to leave the room and see if you’d settle down.

You used to do this – wake up right when we laid you down – and you’d cry for about 30 seconds and then fall asleep. Even now you often awake in the middle of the night, cry for a few seconds, roll over and settle back to sleep. So I told myself I’d give you five minutes to settle (admittedly, in retrospect, this was way too long) and I’d keep an eye on you on the monitor. I went into the next room and watched you. You stood up, holding onto the side of the crib, and cried and cried and cried. After about two minutes, right when I was about to give in, you sat down, sucked your thumb, bent forward and appeared like you might be going to sleep. I was so relieved and happy. And then, in about 5 seconds, you sat up again, then stood up, and resumed crying. Since you’d come so close to settling, I decided to wait the five minutes I’d already set for the limit. You stood and cried the entire time. Finally after five minutes I went in and picked you up, and held you tight while rocking you. You rested your head on my shoulder and slowly settled down. You had tears running down your face and you were still gasping to catch your breath. It was awful. I started crying too, and apologized for putting you through that, putting you through something that accomplished nothing.

It’s so hard figuring out what’s right and wrong, what works and doesn’t, what method of the seemingly hundreds that are out there are best for us. Obviously this is all trial and error, and everything we do we try to balance between what intuitively feels right, what research says is best, what we hear from others works, and an abundance of other drivers. Add to this the fact that often once we find something that works, or settle into a routine, right when we think we have this parenting thing figured out, you change. You sleep differently, or become mobile, or react differently to things that once used to make you happy. It’s a constantly moving target. So please always remember that we are doing our very best, that we’re learning as we go, that we love so you much and that at the bottom of all of our actions is that love for you. And please accept from me my first, of what I’m sure will be many, apology.

Last night your dad had a get together for his work at a local restaurant. We went and met him there. His boss, his bosses’ wife and their baby were there too. Their son, Owen, is five months. You’ve met him before a few months ago. Last night you were really interested in him, and as is your usual protocol, you wanted to reach out and touch him. You kept poking at his face, but finally, with some prompting from your dad, you settled for holding his hand. It was very cute.

During all of this I was talking with one of your dad’s coworkers and explained that you’re a little aggressive with other babies. You are very hand’s on and you want to touch them, especially in the face. He had a nice spin on it, saying that you’re not aggressive, you’re just outgoing. I can’t argue with that.

You’ve been trying to raise yourself to a standing position all on your own, without holding onto anything or anyone. You start on all fours, then stick your bottom into the air and then try to lift your top half up to stand. You’ve been getting really close to succeeding, and your nana said today you did it! You stood, and even took a step. She said you were rightfully wobbly and so she offered you her hand and you took it. I wish I could’ve seen it. The gains you make in progressing towards walking are visible virtually every day. It’s amazing to watch.

But along with these first steps comes lots of falls. Today you were standing and playing with Tupperware in ‘your’ cabinet, and you slipped, fell, and hit your head on the shelf. You had a large bump on your forehead that almost instantly turned into a bruise. Your nana and I tried to ice it but you’d have none of that. You were upset for a while, but soon enough you were ready to play and go exploring again. I really do want to get you a teeny, tiny little helmet for you to wear for the next, what, few years?

Before you were born we had a fairly solidified morning routine, which included a ritual walk with the dogs and then a mad scramble to get ready and out the door in time to catch the bus; we were never early risers. Since we’ve had you we’ve been much more flexible, allowing our schedule to be 100% driven by you. Some mornings you wake up in the 5 o’clock hour, and sometimes you’ll let us sleep well into the 7 o’clock hour. Most mornings lately you wake up around 6. If the weather’s nice and you wake up early enough, we all go for a walk. It was way too cold today for a walk with you, so your dad took the dogs and you and I stayed here. You played and I baked muffins. Your dad got home and we each got ready for work then we all enjoyed the fresh muffins. We commented on how much we got done before our workday even began. I replied that it’s easy to get a lot done when we get up so early!

You’ve been a little out of sorts today. You’re definitely teething so we’re not sure if you’re uncomfortable from that or if something else is going on, but you weren’t your usual self. As we usually do when you’re a little fussy, we took you for a walk. You were happy the whole time! But we do see two teeth coming in. They’re your top two middle teeth and I can see the edges of each one just beginning to poke through (and I can feel their edges when you nurse, I’m hoping that doesn’t last). Soon you’ll have four teeth!

We met your nana and papa in Louisville for dinner tonight. You haven’t seen your papa since Christmas. He’s been in Nevada for his hip surgery and recovery, and just got back a couple days ago. He was very anxious to see you. Right away when we got to the restaurant he reached out to me and wanted to hold you. You went happily into his arms and immediately put your head down on his shoulder, welcoming him home with snuggles and sweetness. You rarely do this gesture; it was very endearing and I’m sure melted his heart.

Every Friday there’s a ‘Gym Jam’ for little ones at the Rec Center. Your dad walked you down there and took you today; it was the first time you’d gone. He said you really liked it, and he plans to take you every week. He said you really liked a little toy buggy walker and you walked all over the gym with it. Hopefully I’ll be able to accompany you two one of these days so I can see you play with all of the toys and kids.

There’s a new restaurant near our house that we’ve been anxious to try. I met you and your dad there for dinner after work. You enjoyed kale chips and bits of our dinners, but quickly got antsy and grew tired of sitting in the highchair. Luckily we were in a new place, and so you were happy in our arms as we walked around the restaurant, looking at the artwork on the walls and all the people coming and going.

Today your nana took you to story time at the library. I guess you really enjoy it, and usually just sit happily on her lap. Today you were very chatty, ‘talking’ to everyone around you. It seems whatever book they were reading today really piqued your interest, and you had a lot to say.

You love to open and close doors. It’s a sort of modified version of peek-a-boo, and it can keep you occupied for many minutes, or until you close the door fully. Then you need to be rescued, with someone gently opening the door and enabling you to get your little fingers in the crack to begin the game again. Open close, open close, open close.