I was talking with your dad last night and he mentioned that you’ve been a little fussy. He said that you’d been rubbing your mouth a bit, and he wondered if you were getting a tooth. That triggered a memory for me; you were rubbing your mouth on Saturday too. At the time I didn’t connect it with anything, but looking back, I bet that’s what it was. Because when I got home from my trip today, you and I were hanging out together outside enjoying the cooler weather and I decided to poke around in your mouth. And you had a tooth! Not even just a little bump of a tooth about to break through, but a fully exposed tooth! I couldn’t believe it. It’s on the bottom and it’s the middle, left tooth. For how far along that tooth was, I actually think you did great handling the teething. Though it does explain some of your fussiness these past few days, and perhaps your waking during the nights. How weird it must feel to you to have no teeth, only soft gums, then all of a sudden have a sharp, hard tooth appear in your mouth. I can’t imagine.

Your dad and I are still trying to figure out why some nights you’ll sleep for many uninterrupted hours – sometimes up to eight hours, while other nights you wake every couple of hours. We’ve really been working to give you a stable, consistent routine at night to help you learn when bedtime is coming and help you become relaxed and sleepy. And we’ve been putting you to sleep in the same bed, in the same type of clothes, at roughly the same time, for a couple of months.

However, recently more often than not you are waking multiple times a night. I do not believe you are hungry all of these times because usually right when we pick you up you’ll fall back asleep. If you do not, then I change you and feed you, and you almost always go back to sleep really well after that. However, you’ve frequently been waking and fussing until we bring you to bed with us. At first I was petrified of sleeping with you – co-sleeping as it’s called – as I was worried we’d smother you or you’d get tangled in the blankets. We’ve started bringing you into our bed over this last month, and now that you’re bigger and much more mobile, I am not as worried. However, I still do not sleep well, constantly aware of your movements and sounds. But you, on the other hand, seem to sleep great between us. We’re not sure why that is and we’re always trying to figure it out. Is our bed more comfortable, are you too cold in your bed and our body heat warms you up, do you like hearing us breathe and our heartbeats? Maybe you just need some snuggles at this point in your life. I’m mostly ok with it, although soon we’d planned to start having you sleep at night in your room. I’m worried that bringing you to bed with us is going to make this transition even harder. But for now, especially as I have to be gone again this week for a few work trips, I’m just soaking up the snuggles with my little girl, and we’ll worry about getting you out of our bed later.

About a month ago we got a call that an opening had become available for two days a week at the daycare we’d put our names on the waitlist for when you were born. We hadn’t anticipated this; we already have a pretty good routine and situation going with the nannies and your nana watching you. But we decided we’d go check it out just to keep our options open. We went a few weeks ago, and there were many aspects of it that were appealing. There are eight babies and two adults. The babies always move up to the next classroom as a group, and so do the teachers, so everyone gets to know each other really well. They do a lot of developmental activities with the kids, and they get them outside multiple times a day for playtime and walks.

We are struggling with what is best for you. We really like the fact that in the nanny share it is one adult to two babies and we think that, given this ratio, you are likely getting more attention than you would at the daycare. We feel like we’re in a groove with this routine and schedule, and it seems to be working well. However, we worry that you might need some more interaction with other babies, especially because Isla is such a calm baby and you are so outgoing and active. We also like the fact that the daycare is open at 7 am, so on the rare days when we’d need to drop you off earlier, that is an option. But we’re uncertain about exposing you to the germs of a group daycare setting, and we’re not sure that you’d get the attention you need. We also can’t imagine how you’d nap in an environment with seven other little ones in the same room!

Your dad and I (and you) met with Kristen, Greg and Isla for beers and to just check in about how the nanny share is working. It was nice to catch up with them; we always seem to be rushing in and out of their house when we drop you off or pick you up. They seem content with the current arrangement, though they have a couple of things they want to bring up with the nannies, and we do too. So we’ve planned to try and chat with the nannies next week and then we’ll decide what to do about entering you into the daycare or continuing with the nanny share.

Today is your six month birthday. We started the day with a visit to the doctor for your checkup. While we were waiting for the doctor we realized that it was a Saturday, the same day you were born, and it was almost the time you were born, so we had fun thinking about how exactly six months ago, in the same building, we were about to meet you.

When the doctor came in and was examining you she used two of the same three words as last time to describe you – curious and active – and this time the third word was interactive. She said multiple times that your activity level and interaction is like that of a nine-month old. She said you look great! You’re growth in length has slowed; you’re now in the 65th percentile for length. And you’re still in just the 10th percentile for weight. You got your shots and were really upset by those today. I nursed you immediately after and you settled and then fell asleep.

We then went to enjoy a nice (late) anniversary brunch at Turley’s. Afterwards we ran some errands, ending at the toy store to get you some toys for your half birthday. You have become so active and engaged that I worry that you’re bored with the toys and activities we do so frequently with you; I struggle with how to keep you challenged and entertained. You really seem to like to pound on things, with toys, spoons, anything. So I wanted to get you a little piano or drums. We found a neat wooden xylophone and also got you a few other toys.

This afternoon you clearly were not feeling well as a result of the shots; you had a fever and were a bit fussy. You actually were doing pretty well compared to how you were after your two-month shots, but it was obvious you weren’t in a feeling great. Nana and papa came over to wish you a happy half birthday, and they enjoyed watching you while we cooked dinner. Then we all watched the Olympics.

Tomorrow you’ll turn six months old – a half of a year. This is a big milestone, and it marks the arrival of a few changes. We can start letting you be out in the sun while using small amounts of sunscreen, we can take you swimming, we’ll start transitioning you from sleeping in our room to sleeping in your crib in your own room, and we’ll also begin introducing solid foods and weaning you of breastmilk. Somehow these changes seem hugely momentous, milestones that seemed so far away only six months ago. I am amazed that we’re at the six month mark.

When you were born we both struggled with nursing. We worked very hard at it, receiving consultations from lactation specialists as well as OT and PT staff. You did not nurse at all for your first 24 hours. After I came out of surgery and was in recovery, they placed you on my bare chest and hoped you would nurse. I tried as best I knew how, remembering a little from the nursing class we’d taken and trying to follow my instincts, but you showed no interest. We continued to try every two hours, but you were sleepy and uninterested. At 24 hours, the limit of how long they’d let you go without eating, we introduced a bottle filled with milk, and you drank well. And every two hours we kept trying to get you to nurse. On our second day the specialists started coming to help us.

In addition to being drowsy and falling asleep every time I tried to feed you, they said you did not know how to suck. Through sessions multiple times a day while we were in the hospital, they taught me exercises to do with you to teach you this necessary action. At first I’d stick my finger in your mouth and massage your gums by lightly rubbing my finger along their toothless ridges. This was to ‘wake up’ your mouth. Then I’d lightly tickle the roof of your mouth, trying to get you to clamp down with your lips and suck on my finger. Then we introduced a pacifier, which you quickly took. We’d perform this routine before I tried nursing you, and with every feeding you got better and better. We’d put a few drops of milk onto my breast to try and get you interested, and I’d use a nipple shield to help you latch easier.

You still fell asleep at almost every feeding and the nurses encouraged me to do whatever I could to keep you awake. They taught me to lightly rub your cheek or legs or to undress you in an attempt to stimulate you and keep you awake. Nothing worked. They even went so far as to encourage me to put a wet washcloth on your little naked body. Although this woke you up, it also upset you, and resulted in you crying out in shock and distress at the cold. I hated it, and struggled with not wanting to cause you discomfort but also knowing that you needed to eat.

I was determined not to leave the hospital until we had nursing figured out. One night, I think it was our third or fourth night in the hospital, around midnight, a nurse came to wake me up to feed you and must have read on the charts about our difficulties breastfeeding. She was so positive and uplifting, and said we were going to nurse successfully tonight. Her optimism was contagious, and I desperately wanted to succeed. She helped me position you and I lifted you to me, and even without the shield you nursed. It was the very first time you’d nursed without the nipple shield. It was amazing, and I was so thankful. Although I couldn’t replicate that for the rest of my time in the hospital, you continued to progress every day, and you were able to nurse effectively with the shield. You did continue to fall asleep with almost every feeding, and I was constantly trying to keep you awake to eat.

Nursing during these first days was overwhelming and difficult, stressful and anything but natural. I wanted to succeed at this, and was determined to do so, but I realistically didn’t know how long we’d be able to do this. Nursing often took upwards of two hours, with you falling asleep or losing interest, and with the guidance I’d been given to feed you every two to three hours, I was attempting to nurse you virtually nonstop. I had known that nursing would be difficult and I’d been encouraged to keep trying for at least six weeks. This was my goal.

We continued trying to nurse, and I decided to attend the free breastfeeding support group (aka ‘Milk Club’) at the hospital six days after you were born, and only two days after we left the hospital. I cried the entire way there, and struggled to pull myself together to walk into the room where the support group was held. I was ashamed and embarrassed that I hadn’t yet been able to perfect the art of feeding you – something that seemed like it should be natural and intuitive. Although I was doing everything I could, I felt like I was failing at this most basic requirement of motherhood. But this group was so helpful, made up of other moms trying to figure this out. Some were first time moms with newborns, while others were BTDT moms (been there done that moms – a term given to moms with at least two children) wanting support. It was wonderful to be surrounded by a couple dozen women experiencing the same doubts and hesitations that I was feeling. I left the room with some of my questions answered and feeling much less alone and inadequate.

We kept attending Milk Club at least once a week for many weeks. I would weigh you before and after I fed you and meticulously document and chart how much you gained from these feedings, and how much you gained from week to week. Then you turned six weeks old, and you were gradually becoming more and more efficient at nursing. You were more wakeful and we’d only use the shield sparingly. You still nursed for a long time, probably averaging an hour and a half with every nursing, but we were getting a hang of it. I decided to extend my breastfeeding goal to six months.

And now here we are. You’re six months old tomorrow, and thinking back over these past months and how far we’ve come, those struggles in the early days seem almost trivial, one of many difficult but surmountable obstacles of transitioning to being a parent. You nurse so efficiently now and you’ve continued to steadily gain weight and grow. You also take a bottle amazingly well, even holding it and feeding yourself. With the introduction of solid food right around the corner, I look back over the past few months and all the time we’ve spent in this intimate interaction, and I feel sadness that this time is coming to a close. Although I’ll continue to nurse you – my new goal is one year – the time I spend doing so will become increasingly less and less as solid foods become a growing part of your diet. I can’t help but feel sorrow for the loss of this connection I have with you, a special, quiet, peaceful moment that only you and I share every few hours. It is a visible mark of your already-rapid progression of becoming less dependent on me, and in this moment, I find it remarkably sad.

Nine years ago today I married your dad and embarked on an adventure of marriage and eternal companionship with my closest friend. It’s amazing how fast the years go by, and all that we’ve done and seen together. We’ve had lots of fun and we’re fortunate in all that we’ve been blessed with. We’re loving our little family that we’ve created and we look forward to many anniversaries to come.

I had to leave for another trip today, and your dad had to leave the house early this morning for a training for work. When he left he put you in bed with me and we snuggled and slept for a couple of hours. I relish these quiet moments with you and had such a hard time getting out of bed; I never wanted it to end. I was asleep and something woke me up so I rolled over and you were right next to me on your belly, you’d pushed yourself up with your arms and you were just staring at me. When I turned my head around to face you your face lit up with a big smile; it was like you were saying, “Good morning, mama. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up. Let’s play!”. I showered you in kisses and hugs and thought about how thankful I am to have you in my life. Then I somehow found the motivation to get us up and ready for our day.

We went for a walk with the dogs. Your dad does this almost every morning with you, but I haven’t done it for awhile. It sure is a bit chaotic, trying to hold the two dog’s leashes and not trip on them while keeping an arm around you in the Baby Bjorn to keep you secure. And now that you’re so active you kept grabbing the dog’s leashes and trying to eat them, and at one point you’d even somehow gotten a hold of one of the (empty) dog poo bags and you were trying to stick that in your mouth. But, we enjoyed our time outside and on the way home, with the dogs finally tired out and walking gently alongside me and my arm wrapped around you, I had a hard time returning home to get ready for my trip. All I wanted to do was to just keep walking around the neighborhood indefinitely with you three.

Yesterday kicked off a chaotic week and a half of work travel, which includes five trips to five states in ten days. Craziness. Last night was my first night without you. For almost six months now you’ve slept within a few feet of us, at the foot of the bed. I love having you so close and last night was a sad one without you. I’m trying my best to minimize my time away, and even with all of these trips I’m only going to be gone three nights in all. But waking up without my sweet pea nearby is an awful way to start a day.

Today while your nana and I were changing you you grabbed a hold of your foot, stuck it in your mouth, and started sucking on your big toe. I’d seen you do this a few times before, but you haven’t ever sucked on it so intently before. We had so much fun watching you, and you watched us back, all the while sucking your toe.

We had a nice breakfast with Dan, Becca, and Aaron, then you and I headed home so I could get some work done. This afternoon your dad barbequed and we all relaxed outside. You were content just laying on your belly, pushing your chest and head up with your arms, and looking around. Usually when we’re outside you roll around and want some toys to play with, but today you just held yourself up and looked around, happily observing the world.

After dinner, just a few minutes before they departed, Becca and I were chatting and enjoying a few last minutes together. She had given some gentle direction to Aaron, and I couldn’t help but tell her that I think she and Dan are doing a great job as parents. Being a parent is hard, with almost no validation or appreciation, and I just wanted them to know I think they’re doing great. It is so neat watching a friend who I knew in such a different point of my life – college – become a parent, and an amazing one at that.

Last night I found you asleep in your crib with your legs tucked into and under your body and your bottom up in the air. You looked so cute, I had to take a picture. I’d never seen you sleep like this before. I watched you for a bit, and you soon stretched out your legs and were sleeping flat on your belly. A few minutes later, though you were still asleep, you curled your legs back in. With all this movement you didn’t seem to be sleeping soundly at all, and in fact you woke up multiple times throughout the night. A couple times I’d pick you up and just hold you, and you’d immediately fall back asleep and stay asleep when I placed you in your crib. One time you were fussy and I fed you, and twice we brought you to bed to cuddle, and eventually, to sleep.

I can’t help but remember reading and learning how your mind and body becomes obsessed with trying to master something new, repeating it over and over until you’ve perfected it, and even then, still repeating it. We witnessed this when you learned to roll back to front, as you would almost automatically roll over to your belly when placed on your back, even though it was clearly frustrating you to be on your belly and apparently causing such distress that you forgot how to roll over to your back. I’m wondering now if your mind and body are working intently to discover how to crawl.